The Butter Knife

Decline in detentions during daunting days

By Sensei - Knight Writer

Journalist - Lourdes Academy

Things are looking up at Lourdes Academy despite the Coronavirus trying to bring the Knights down.

According to dean of students and disciplinarian expert Reed Tyriver, the amount of detentions from March through April, when e-learning was implemented, has significantly decreased. “I am really proud of our students,” Tyriver said. “It just goes to show how our students’ behaviors have been perfect during these tough times.”

Tyriver went on to boast that there has not been a single dress code violation in the past three weeks. “This is my biggest success thus far as dean of students!” Tyriver said.

Principal Dave Mikesell has witnessed Tyriver’s dedication to improving student behavior this past month. Mikesell credits the impressive student behavior on Tyriver’s training.

“He spent countless hours watching cop movies, reading Sherlock Holmes, and studying the TV show Cops to help get these numbers as low as he did. If he reaches negative detentions where the students are giving administration detentions, then we know we’ve made it!”

Puffing his chest out and acknowledging his own tremendous efforts, Tyriver said, “The only detention I had to give out was to the Coronavirus.”

Dineen and Frank end two-year feud in epic battle

By Games Jross - Knight Writer

Student Journalist - Lourdes Academy

Among the Covid-19 pandemic, most law-abiding citizens follow the rules and stay indoors where it is safe. Two of our most rebellious Knights, however, broke the rules during week two of e-Learning. Junior Will Frank and math teacher Don Dineen decided to break the “safer-at-home” orders to end a two-year feud.

In past years, students have witnessed the tension between these two Lourdes powerhouses. Frank, frankly, doesn’t look like he has that much strength, but don’t let him fool you. Even junior bodybuilder Brock Pecore knows better than to anger Frank. A student who wished to remain anonymous for safety reasons said, “Will Frank once tossed Ryan Kroll like a ragdoll into the lockers like he was a feather!”

However, Dineen is no one to laugh at. Standing over six feet tall, Dineen has been heard boasting that he is “nothing but muscle and wisdom.” Dineen always stands at the ready when in front of his white board prepared for a random attack. As all Dineen’s students know, he could win in a fight by his tactfulness alone, which most certainly would give him the upper hand against Frank.

On the last day of school before the world went crazy with school closures, Dineen’s students and Frank’s gang of junior boys heard the two fighting over who was the strongest, a debate that has been ongoing for the past two years. Junior Peter Chartier said he heard Frank say that he could beat up Dineen “anywhere, anytime.” Junior Tyler Budde said he heard Dineen respond, “I don’t fight with twigs.”

That must have been the twig that broke the camel’s back for Frank, and he decided he needed to show Dineen who was the boss.

Dineen responded to Frank’s dare by calmly saying, “Pick a time and place, and I’ll be there. I won’t try to snap you if I can help it.”

Frank was a little perturbed by the response but began to plan his smack-down for that day after school. Sadly, the COVID-19 outbreak and the announcement of Lourdes moving to e-Learning postponed Frank’s most certain victory.

Having nothing but time to obsess over the situation for two weeks at home in quarantine, Frank made his plan. He and Dineen would meet on April 3 at 3:00 at the 20th Street YMCA where they would break in and set up mats for the ultimate brawl.

The day could not get there fast enough for Frank who spent his time practicing all of his powerful moves instead of completing his online homework.

Dineen, in preparation for the match, calmly listened to his mongolyian throat music. Dineen’s wife said she heard him say, “All I need is to be in tune with my senses in order to beat that little twig who challenged me.”

The day of the battle, the two brawlers made their way to the Y, clearly breaking the “stay-at-home” orders. Frank’s excuse to leave his house was that he heard that Walmart had toilet paper back in stock and was willing to sacrifice himself to the long lines and possible melee for his family. Dineen, on the other hand, outran the police who tried to pull him over on Highway 41 just south of Neenah.

Both Dineen and Frank made it to the Y unharmed, where junior Kadan Kapp, a Lourdes wrestler extraordinaire, refereed the match. Many other students snuck in to watch the battle of the Titans after they heard that the two were going up against each other.

After getting warmed up, Dineen and Frank walked up to each other, bumped fists, and wished each other good luck on getting beat. They walked back to their prospective corners, and junior Rudy Kuklinski rang the bell to start the match.

Dineen’s stance looked unbeatable; his feet were planted firmly on the ground but still gave him a way to spring off at a moment's notice. Frank crouched and started to slink over in the direction of Dineen. Dineen suddenly lunged out while using his math skills to compute the best way to take down Frank. Dineen grabbed Frank and threw him over his back onto the mat.

The student section went wild from Dineen’s perfectly executed move. Much to everyone’s surprise, Frank wasn’t hurt, but he was mad that Dineen got the first move on him. Kuklinski rang the bell, and they both went to their corners preparing their next moves.

By the end of the last round, Frank and Dineen were both spent, and Dineen was beating Frank by just two points. Although it seemed like a lost cause for Frank, he held onto the faith that he could win. When Kluklinksi rang the bell, Frank shot out of his corner like a rocket, catching Dineen off guard, the same way Dineen did to him in the first round.

Frank almost pinned Dineen immediately and had him on the ground. Frank had both of Dineen’s shoulders pressed on the mat for four seconds until Dineen broke free. Dineen tried to come back, but he was not able to match Frank in speed.

Then it happened, Frank wrestled Dineen to the ground, got on his back, pulled up Dineen’s legs, perfectly executing the Walls of Jericho move! Kuklinski rang the bell a final time, and Frank knew that he had won.

Kapp strutted into the middle of the mat and positioned both sweaty and bruised wrestlers on his sides. He waited for the crowd to quiet down and then lifted Frank’s arm. The students went wild.

Will Frank proved that he is the strongest powerhouse of Lourdes!

Junior Will Frank pins math teacher Don Dineen in the move called The Walls of Jericho making him the true powerhouse of Lourdes Academy.

Chemist by day, James Bond by night

By Ronald Reagan - Knight Writer

Lourdes Academy - Student Journalist

Lourdes Academy may have more secrets than one might expect.

Esteemed biology and chemistry teacher Barbara Muza-Reed is undeniably intelligent. She can solve any chemistry problem in a matter of minutes and answer students’ questions before they even raise their hands, hinting at her mind-reading powers.

Many students have started becoming suspicious of her behavior and knowledge, however, after seeing her sneaking around various classrooms. One student who wishes to remain anonymous for her own protection, claims that Reed was in the biology teacher Carrie O’Connor’s room stealing lab equipment.

A few students have come up with a plausible theory of her recent clandestine behavior: Mrs. Reed is a spy.

Senior Regan Kraus claims she has even seen some of her special spy equipment. “She never lets students into her chemical room, but she asked me to retrieve some supplies a few times, and that’s when I saw something strange,” Kraus said.

Reed’s chemical storage room is located by the whiteboards in her classroom, but she strictly prohibits students from entering without her permission. “I was astonished that she asked me to go to the storage room, after all, there’s a rumor that once you go in, you never come back out,” Kraus said.

“I remember seeing a strange contraption that looked like a Mickey Mouse hat, but I think it is a machine that lets her turn invisible,” Kraus said.

Apparently, there have been multiple accounts where students went into Reed’s room to ask for homework help, but they found themselves in an empty room. A few students even said that they could hear shuffling noises coming from the chemical room. “One day, I remember her going in one room and leaving from a different one, that’s impossible unless she became invisible,” Kraus said.

Senior Keely Mains, a former student in Reed’s CAPP Biology class, also attested to Reed’s secretive behavior. “If her phone went off in class, she would always say ‘If it’s Mom, I have to take it,’ but I think that mom was a code word for her spy agency,” Mains said.

Mains also explained that he came into the room one day and saw the words “Masters of Mayhem” written on her whiteboard. Using those words, the acronym M.O.M. arises.

Junior Jack Reinardy, a star chemistry student, claims that Reed tried recruiting him for her spy agency. “I was the only student on Google Hangouts a few days ago; I guess she respected that. She started asking me strange questions like ‘what are your plans for the future?’ and ‘If you ever need any help, you can come to me,’” Reinardy said. Reinardy believes that Reed is trying to convince him to join her agency, and he is quite interested in learning more about her line of work.

Clearly, the evidence points toward the undeniable fact that Reed is a spy, so please contact the Lourdes Academy Knight Writers if there are any more discoveries about her double life.

Science teacher Barb Reed with her spy hat.

Lourdes Academy teachers admitted to local hospitals for ‘treatment’

Ski Guy - Knight Writer

Student Journalist - Lourdes Academy

Several Lourdes high school teachers were recently admitted to local hospitals not for symptoms related to the Coronavirus but for “treatment” of another kind.

On Fri., March 13, Governor Tony Evers shut down all Wisconsin schools indefinitely. Due to the shutdown, all schools were forced to move learning to an online format. The new e-Learning curriculum is uncharted waters for most teachers, causing stress and strain on many teachers’ minds.

The first to fall was English teacher Jennifer Pollack on March 23 at 9:30 AM, the first day of online classes. Due to her sophomore and junior English students claiming to be confused with their online assignments and her Journalism students refusing to turn in pictures with their articles, she was a likely candidate to be the first teacher to go off the deep end. When asked for a quote, Pollack only growled and bared her teeth. While Pollack is being treated at the Aurora Behavioral Health Center in Oshkosh, her students are able to have a nice break from her grueling e-Learning classwork: writing personal reflections and hosting Google Hangout sessions to check in on her students’ well-being.

“Not having to slave away doing Mrs. Pollack’s stupid and pointless assignments is such a blessing because now we students can do whatever we want instead of writing lame posts and ‘chatting’ about our boring lives,” junior Peyton Kane said.

Only two days after Pollack went off the deep end, reports say that math and physics teacher Dan Heiser was also admitted to Bellin Health Psychiatric Center in Green Bay for going bonkers. He refused to be admitted to any other institution because it is right across the river from Lambeau Field. According to hospital reports, he admitted himself as “Aaron Rodgers.”

According to Heiser’s wife, while trying to figure out the new online setup, her husband flew into a fit of rage, spilling his plastic Vikings cup overflowing with Pepsi. He stormed into the bedroom and tugged one of his wife’s Green Bay Packer shirts over his head. When his wife noticed him wearing green and gold and chanting, “Go Pack Go!” she immediately called the hospital to get help for her husband. All geometry, pre calculus and physics students are enjoying the break from the Pythagorean theorem, trigonometric functions, and uniform circular motion equations. Instead, they spend their days figuring out how to make their other teachers “lose it” so they don’t have to do their homework either.

“Now that we don’t have to work on math, we have plenty of time to figure out how to make all of our other teachers go nuts so we don’t have to do any homework,” said senior and physics student Ellen Moore. “All math students came to the consensus that we will go after our science teacher Mrs. O’Connor next.”

On a positive note, one consistency throughout Heiser’s treatment, according to his doctor, is that he still wishes to be kept up to date on the Culver’s flavor of the day in both Oshkosh and Fond du Lac.

Although it seems as if more teachers would fall, some are doing much better than others. English teacher Sue Dolan is doing quite well with this new online learning technique. While easily figuring out Google Classroom, she is also writing a novel and reading at least one book a day in her spare time. In addition, she is single-handedly building an addition onto her house to make room for the three orphans she has adopted from the Democratic Republic of Congo in Africa. If that wasn’t enough, she continues to volunteer for 24 hour adoration shifts at her parish.

“Even with all of her new responsibilities and projects, Mom still manages to make it to every family game night after dinner except for the nights where she takes the 24 hour adoration shifts,” daughter Emily Dolan reported.

Science teacher Barb Reed is also thriving under the new e-Learning environment. Literally getting “the hang” of presenting lengthy live lectures on Google Hangout within a day, Reed said she enjoys e-Learning more than traditional learning.

“This online teaching is so much easier than in-class teaching. I swear I can do this with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back,” Reed said. With all of the spare time she has, Reed has been researching and testing a Coronavirus cure and vaccine. Her research has caught the attention of CDC scientist Dr. Frank Stein, the lead scientist working to find a Covid-19 cure.

“Reed’s research took a whole different approach to finding a cure that we never thought of taking. The way she is conducting her research is brilliant!” Stein said. “ We expect Reed, who is working with the greatest scientific minds in the world on this issue, to most likely develop a vaccine within one month instead of the normal 18 months it takes to create a vaccine!”

Math teacher Dan Heiser recovering at Bellin Health Center in Green Bay.

Political brawl between Probst and Jacobs

By Custard Queen - Knight Writer

Student Journalist - Lourdes Academy

The political differences between social studies teachers Cathi Probst and Dr. Jake Jacobs came to a dramatic confrontation at a recent pep rally in the Castle.

Both teachers and students have witnessed Probst and Jacobs debate about their opposing beliefs at school, but the two colleagues always seemed to work out their differences. The two easy-going teachers developed a budding friendship and always seemed to share laughs and jokes after resolving their political differences. During a school-wide pep rally before the Coronavirus madness, however, Probst’s and Jacobs’ verbal dispute became physical.

According to principal Dave Mikesell, the confrontation occurred at the end of the pep rally at approximately 2:55 while the high school band was performing the fight song. Mikesell said he was standing next to Probst and Jacobs, trying to fix his walkie talkie for the eighth time that day, when he heard Jacob’s whisper in a sinister hiss, “Team red is superior over team blue.”

Probst responded by calling Jacobs “a dingbat” and saying that she is a true political advocate because of her previous role as an alderman in Milwaukee.

Dean of students, Reed Tyriver said he was also standing next to Probst and Jacobs when their debate got heated. He said Jacobs got defensive and told Probst, “Obviously I speak the truth if people pay me to tour the U.S. and speak!”

According to Tyriver, Probst began speaking over Jacobs, telling him that the only reason he speaks at events is that he likes being in the spotlight.

Tyriver said Jacobs began yelling at Probst saying that she was acting like she was “one with the rocks” and that she could no longer speak to him about politics until she admits that his classroom has better political posters and decorations than hers.

The band members slowly dropped their instruments when the heated verbal altercation overtook the fight song and created a startling hush throughout the gym. Jacobs, realizing all eyes were on him, theatrically marched to the center of the gym floor and stood smugly in front of the students and staff.

Excited for the spotlight to be shining down upon him, he grabbed the microphone and began addressing the shocked students and staff. Jacobs ranted about Probst’s lack of education because she did not attend the elite Arizona State University.

Offended, Probst rushed on to the gym floor to confront Jacobs. She snatched the microphone from Jacobs and began to announce to the students and staff that Jacobs only talks about his education at A.S.U. so he can flaunt his fake tan in front of everyone. She also rendered him incapable of adequate interior design because of his “overwhelming, out of date” classroom decor including all of his “pointless knick knacks.”

Jacobs angrily stole the microphone back from Probst’s clutches, causing her to fall to the gym floor. Probst swiftly rose and desperately grasped for the microphone Jacobs held triumphantly over his head. Jacobs and Probst both began to wrestle for the microphone which went flying across the gym floor.

The teachers watched in disbelief while a group of high school students began to chant, “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” According to sophomore Patrick Dinegan, the physical altercation lasted for approximately five minutes before he approached the teachers and broke up the fight.

Dinegan said that after the scuffle, Probst complained of chest pain and shortness of breath. Overhearing her claims, senior Annie Schraa remembered that Probst suffered from asthma and owned the same inhaler as she. Schraa quickly brought Probst the inhaler, relieving Probst’s chest pain and allowing her to breathe fully again.

Dinegan said that during this time, Jacobs remained unharmed as he screamed “FREEDOM” and raced around the center of the gym waving a giant American flag. He said that Jacobs explained he felt like “Iron Man” with his new hips that allowed him to “put up a fight better than when he was a young man.”

Jacobs noticed that Probst was struggling after the physical confrontation and went to apologize. Probst and Jacobs talked out their differences while Mikesell and Tyriver mediated.

The following week, both Jacobs and Probst met with the students and faculty, apologizing for their disruption at the pep rally and the fear that they may have implemented in the students or fellow teachers.

At the end of the meeting, Patrick Derleth led the band in playing “Imagine” by John Lennon. Jacobs and Probst linked arms and began singing a moving duet with the band.

Both Probst and Jacobs refused to make a statement regarding the altercation.

Social studies teacher Dr. Jake Jacobs ready to fight Mrs. Probst with a picture of his favorite president for support.

Reed Tyriver enters NBA draft

By R2D0 - Knight Writer

Student Journalist - Lourdes Academy

Basketball prodigy and dean of students Reed Tyriver recently fulfilled a lifelong dream and entered the NBA draft.

Starting at a young age, Tyriver was inspired to pursue a career in basketball by Chicago Bulls player Michael Jordan. Tyriver said, “People used to confuse us for twins.” Tyriver added that adoring Micheal Jordan fans occasionally asked for his autograph.

Tyriver said his adoration for M.J. started when he was younger. “When I lived in Tennessee, my best friend was originally from Chicago, and my best friend’s dad lived in Chicago. Therefore, the Chicago Bulls are their favorite basketball team, so eventually the Chicago Bulls became my favorite NBA team.”

The NBA draft was held at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York. Tyriver’s hopes were high, but his height was not. Every other initiate at the draft was above 6’6” and Tyriver stands at a solid 5’11”. Short but speedy, Tyriver said, “I might be short, but I’m pretty fast.”

When the first round draft was over and he was not chosen, Tyriver was still anxious to make a team. The second round draft ended and there was still no offer. Hours of signing passed and Tyriver hadn’t made a team. Tyriver said he started to get nervous and turned to his old friend and first round pick Steph Curry for advice. Tyriver said, “Hey Curry, should I be nervous?”

Curry said, “Yes, T-Riv, I think you should be nervous.”

The draft ended and only a few more teams had roster spots available. Finally, the manager for the Milwaukee Bucks took the stage. He called the name: Reed Tyriver! Tyriver said, “I thought I wasn’t going to make a team, and now I get to play with Giannis. He’s my homie.

Tyriver signed a $2.4 million contract to play for six years for the Milwaukee Bucks. Practice begins immediately.

Principal David Mikesell said, “Personally, I don’t understand why Reed can’t still be the dean of students and play in the NBA at the same time. He said he’ll give me season tickets, so I guess we’re even.”

Dean of students Reed Tyriver will start for the Milwaukee Bucks after being chosen in the last round of the NBA draft.